The Schiensh of Bond: For Your Eyes Only

On film 12 of BlogalongaBond, there is less than a year to go until Skyfall and everyone is upset with The Incredible Suit right now. Roger Moore is still about, but we’re past Moonraker, I thought it would be downhill from there. However, For Your Eyes Only turned out to be a bit of a dull slog. And with its back-to-basics attempt to reinvigorate the franchise after Moonraker, they managed to remove all the bad science. This left me a little bemused and reaching for the mulled wine.

An hour into the film something struck me as rather odd. Despite the numerous offers, Bond – who would consider lying with a feminine goat – has failed to make it with a woman. Bibi the seventeen-year-old ice skater propositions him while naked in his bed and Bond still says no. Granted Bibi is a little annoying, but that has never stopped him before. It’s not like 007 to be picky. But perhaps he is starting to feel his age. When For Your Eyes Only was made, Roger Moore was in his early 50s – he does a pretty good job as an action hero for his age, but he is much more like your loveable uncle than your sexy cousin. Your loveable uncle that you do not want to picture having sex. [Passes the mind bleach]

Some wary Googling (other search engines are available, but who the hell uses Bing) has brought me to the NHS pages. (I think I am safe here):

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get and maintain an erection that is sufficient for satisfactory sexual intercourse. ED is also known as impotence.

The NHS comment on its frequency in the general population:

ED is a very common condition, particularly in older men. It is estimated that half of all men between the ages of 40 to 70 will have some degree of ED.

Under risk factors, the NHS suggests that erectile dysfunction can be an indication of underlying health issues that cause thickening of blood vessels and concommitant reduction in blood flow, not just in the penis, but elsewhere in the body. It can be an indication of cardiovascular disease – high levels of circulating cholesterol – which can lead to heart attack or stroke.

Other things that can affect *ahem* Little Roger standing to attention, include malfunction or damage to the nerves, drugs – including alcohol – and diseases such as diabetes. In a healthy man, arousal causes the blood vessels in the penis to expand and fill with blood, anything that affects the signalling to increase the size of the blood vessels can lead to erectile dysfunction.

While Commander Bond leads an active life in his fifties, he is still very much at risk of cardiovascular disease. Although not overweight, Bond’s smoking and drinking increase his risk of heart disease. Also, being male and over the age of 50 are contributory factors. His is also a high risk and stressful job, and dicing with death is highly likely to raise his blood pressure. All in all, it’s no wonder he’s having problems with little Roger.

But help is at hand! Viagra, or sildenafil, is a drug that opens up blood vessels. It does this by preventing the breakdown of one of the signalling molecules that tells the penile arteries to open up. Sadly, this came too late for For Your Eyes Only, Viagra wasn’t available until 1998.

In the treatment section of the NHS website, they offer the following advice:

Vacuum pumps that encourage blood to flow to the penis and cause an erection are also successful in 90% of cases.

He does, after all, get it on with Countess Lisl at 1:09 – probably with the help of the vacuum pump.

Good luck Roger Moore!

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